Some of you already know that I left my job last Friday. A week ago today.

I started with Lanier on Monday... at least I went and filled out all the necessary paperwork and got put on the payroll... but they won't be ready for me to start actually working until Monday or Tuesday of next week.

So I've had the whole week to do pretty much nothing. It would have been cool if Sarah and Bailey were here, but they have been in Maryland since Sunday night. So I've spent the entire week reading, catching up on some movies I wanted to see, having lunches and beers with different friends, smoking in the house, piling dishes in the sink.... basically living like a jobless bachelor.

You would think that it would be really fun, but it gets incredibly old after the third or fourth day. If this is what retirement is like, I do not ever want to be retired. I cannot wait to start work. I'm serious. I'm about to go nuts with boredom.

Sarah gets back on Sunday afternoon. That will be the first step back on the road to normalcy.

Here is this semester's Dabney reading list:

Through New Eyes - James Jordan
The Binding of God - Peter Lillback
The Call of Grace - Norman Shepherd
Paradise Restored - David Chilton
The Meaning of the Millennium: Four Views - Robert Clouse, Editor
The Puritan Hope: Revival and the Interpretation of Prophecy - Iain Murray
A Quest for Godliness: The Puritan Vision of the Christian Life - J.I. Packer
The Guise of Every Graceless Heart: Human Autonomy in Puritan Thought and Experience - Terrill Irwin Elniff
The Study of Liturgy - Cheslyn Jones, Geoffrey Wainwright, Edward Yarnold, Paul Bradshaw

Well I went to see Gods and Generals at our local mega-movie cineplex, and I have just a few comments.

First of all, casting Ben Affleck as Stonewall Jackson was quite a bold move. I thought that the maroon latex costume was a little overdone, and I don't remember reading anywhere about General Jackson being blind, but the metaphor was quite profound. Seeing him leap from building to building, singlehandedly fighting the Yankees on sheer instinct alone, not having his eyesight, was a really accurate depiction of how the Confederate Army was a scrappy lot, underdogs if you will, but were really fighting the good fight, protecting hearth and home, albeit with a few "blindspots" in their values.

Jennifer Garner as Anna Jackson was just amazing. I know that depicting her fighting like a ninja might have been a little over-the-top and anachronistic, but I thought it worked. I just loved it when Stonewall said, "My Esposita, you do a fine job with those fork-looking-oriental-sword-thingys... a fine job." and she replied, "Darling, our God is a Yankee-butt-kicking God."

I thought it might have been a bit of a stretch seeing Ving Rhames play President Lincoln, (who evidently was also known as "The Kingpin"), since most historical representations of Lincoln show him as a gaunt and gangly baboon of a white man, but I caved on this one. I think it worked.

I had to get up and go to the bathroom right near the middle, and I must have missed something important, because when I got back it was the part of the movie where Baloo was carrying Mowgli through the forest on his back, running from Shere Khan. Now I'm not an authority by any stretch, but I could have sworn that Baloo was no where near Fredricksburg. I'm quite positive that Baloo was with the 5th Tennessee, which everyone knows was holding the line in northern Mississippi under General Johnston and which never even fought in the Eastern campaign.

I have to say that taken as a whole, the movie was choppy, without rythm or pace and had very little plot. Some of the devices, while interesting, really make no sense on further reflection. Why change from live action to total animation halfway through the film? And why don't we see General Jackson again in the second half? Is he supposed to be somehow "represented" by the brave little Indian boy stoically singing about the "Bare Necessities of Life"? I just don't get it.

The worst part of the whole experience was trying to find my way out of the theater. I spent half an hour walking down corridor after corridor until I finally found an exit. While I was wandering around, though, I did catch a glimpse of a couple of other things that were showing at the time. One movie, I think it was titled "Daredevil" or something, had a bunch of people standing around in nineteenth-century period costumes talking to each other. That one looked pretty gay.

Oh no.

My neighbor died last night.

For the last couple of weeks I've been sort of self-absorbed. I haven't written much, and have hardly read any other blogs.

Sorry.

Parades never did anything for me.

I don't know what they are meant to accomplish.

Funny old thing, life.

When you think something is going to go just dandy, it ends up turning sour. When you think something is going to be ugly, it turns out all roses. In all, nothing turns out exactly the way you plan it.

Dog my cats.

Dog my cats, indeed.

You know how they've got that crazy colored green and purple ketchup in stores now?

Well just look out, because brown mayonaisse is just around the corner, Junior.

There is nothing like waking up to "Sunshine of Your Love".

I'll be humming that guitar riff all day.

I feel that it is my duty to warn folks about very bad movies. It is sort of a public service I provide.

Someone loaned me Haiku Tunnel. Told me I just had to watch it.

My only advice for you is to stay away. Stay very far away.

Of all the gray meats, I think possum is my favorite.

Seriously... today I was remembering the time when my grandfather fixed an old man's car and the man couldn't pay for the work in cash, so he paid him in squirrels. (dead ones) I helped my grandmother clean the squirrels and we ate squirrel stew for supper. I didn't hose down the porch right away like she told me to, so by the time I got to it I had to hose down the dog too. For some reason dogs like to roll in junk like that.

I hate to think about all the stuff I would have missed if I hadn't spent my summers in Mississippi.

Maybe some day I'll tell y'all about the trouble I got into with my first .22 rifle.

I just made up a new word. Shmellafallallagong.

Now I need to make up a definition.

For the handful of you who were concerned about me... I finally got the brakes fixed on my truck. Even though I've been riding around with them screeching and wailing for more than four months, I didn't have any serious damage to the rotors or the calipers. Because we got our tax refund last week, it was a little less painful to lay out the two bills for parts and labor.

As quiet as my truck is now, you won't be able to hear me coming far in advance like you used to.

Better watch your back, fool, or I'll be on you with a quickness.

If you want to go to lunch, call me. 324-8977. I'm trying to get ahold of some of you, and I can't find you.

While there's probably nothing technically wrong with it, I will never ever eat anything in the bathroom.

Even if I'm just passing through.

Today's Bible Verse:

"And the Lord spake unto Moses, saying,"

Numbers 18:25

Given the choice, would you prefer to vacation in Swingtown or Funkytown?

Sarah and I are hooked on Snood. Again.

It isn't as bad as the entire year I was hooked on Angband.

I've often thought that a good way to make a living would be to sell "No Soliciting" signs door-to-door.

What I could do is knock on your door, be a total jerk pretending to sell insurance or something, and then when you get mad I would explain precisely how you can prevent guys like me from knocking on your door in the future.

Got a call on Friday from my Baptist pastor friend up in Arkansas. He has strep and can't preach on Sunday. He asked if I could come fill in for him. I agreed.

I get worried about my amount of preparation when I have two weeks' notice. It has been a long time since I had to put something together on two days' notice.

I'm still not exactly sure what my sermon is going to be on.

I'll concede that it isn't really a sport, but NASCAR is still great entertainment.

In the past week Dale Earnhardt, Jr. won all three big preliminary events and will start the Daytona 500 on the outside pole.

Looks like it could be a great day for Little E tomorrow.

More re-runs in celebration of one year of blogging:

I saw a sign today that said "Follow your dream!". Do they mean follow that one dream I keep having where I'm at work in my underwear and for some reason there are Nazis shooting at the building and Mark McGwire helps me find a secret underground passage from my office building to my living room?

(Thanks Richard, I had forgotten about that one.)

--

You may think that putting pickle slices over your eyes to make a silly face would be pretty funny, but there is nothing funny about explaining your third-degree corneal pickle juice burns to the ER doctor.

Furthermore, it really isn't that funny of a gag in the first place. Nobody is fooled because real eyes don't have seeds in the middle.

As of right now we are 45 days, 3 hours, 17 minutes, 43 seconds away from the first pitch on opening day.

My Valentine's Day Sentiment:

Men who think that marriage is a 50/50 proposition either don't understand women or are bad with fractions.

Friday Poll:

Airwolf or Blue Thunder?

Christin Booth has some interesting things to say about this little hobby here.

Two new Monrovians to add to the roll...

verbingnouns and languageoflizenby.

My grandmother has never learned how to spell my name.

Ever since I was very young I've opened cards that read "Happy Birthday Daune!"

We want to go to St. Louis the weekend of June 7 because Sarah's hometown team - the Orioles - is playing a weekend series against my hometown team - the Cardinals - for the first time in like 80 years.

I checked the airfare from Monroe to St. Louis - just for fun - and saw that it is $310 per person to fly round trip to the STL.

If we drove and stopped at every Waffle House on the way we would not spend as much as it would be for one of us to fly. So we are going to drive and save our money for the Hunter hot dogs and ice cold Budweiser.

I'm not a big fan of clear beer, but there is something about the Bud they serve at Busch stadium. It is the best I've tasted anywhere. Could just be the atmosphere.

Thanks to the person who donated $1.55 toward my school expenses on the little honor system button on the left.

All I need is another 387 people just like you and I'll have it covered.

Unless of course I make a career redirection... and then I won't have to worry about it. I'll be able to buy groceries and books.

I had some red wine with supper that went straight to my head. I'm typing this through a fuzzy haze. I think I'm going to go right to bed, after I say...

I have two opportunities in front of me... I can either go here or here. Both want me to start immediately. I have a decision to make.

If you know my boss, please don't say anything. I'm going to tell him a week from Friday. Keep it under your hat, and pray that I make the right choice.

Not everything that I want to post is suitable for mixed company.

So I've placed this post in my comments box.

Ladies, please move along to the next post. Seriously. I'm warning you. You do not want to know.

You know how Indians gave their children names that spoke something about the character or abilities of the child?

I’m not quite sure what my name would be if I were an Indian, but I bet it would have something to do with my ability to belch Led Zeppelin songs.

I'll listen to your arguments about robotic space exploration when a robot can file a report like this.

Duane's 30-second movie reviews:

(Films I've seen in the last week or so)

Fight Club: A filthy piece of trash that thought it was deeper than it actually was.

Vanilla Sky: Beautifully shot, great original score, intense, intricate plot with the sort of cheap ending you would expect to read in a high school creative writing class.

Changing Lanes: Trite and empty, devoid of value.

If you are in Louisiana and you see what looks like a car tailgating a pickup truck, look closer. Most likely there is a chain between them.

I think that the primary function of shaving cream is to keep me from losing my place.

I want to know the etymology of the word "shampoo" and how exactly the public was initially convinced that it would be better off if it rubbed something in its hair every morning with the syllable "poo" in its name.

Think about it... it isn't real poo. It's sham poo.

K-Mart's new slogan: "If you thought we were crappy before we were going out of business, you ought to come see us now!"

You've probably heard the arguments for unmanned space exploration over the last week. Without astronauts space missions are less expensive. You can get more accomplished, not having your resources tied up with life support. You can push harder and go farther and faster without worrying about the loss of human life.

Isn't that gnostic? What is exploration if it isn't humans bodily going into the unknown experiencing, seeing, hearing and touching firsthand the wonders of the universe? Sure there is going to be a loss of human life. The Great Plains, for example, are littered with thousands of unmarked graves. Not all of the costs of pioneering can be calculated in Excel.

I guess we might ought to ask if NASA's mission is necessary to begin with.

Would it be wrong to think that the dominion mandate does not apply exclusively to this planet but extends to all of creation? In ten thousand years will seminary students read about the early Jovian Church?

I am pretty sure that the other planets in this Solar system will at least have a human colony or two on them, and some planets might even be completely regerated and made suitable for human life in a couple thousand years.

I believe that those planets are not just out there for us to look at, but to redeem, reform, and to create new cultures and civilizations upon. Our mission in space is necessary and it is work that must continue to be done by humans primarily.

Bailey says, "Wanna watch a DBD?".

Too cute.

If you have a Blockbuster close by, go and ask for the Valentine's Kids Pack... or something like that. It is a coupon book that you buy for $1.99 and which contains 10 coupons for free kids movies, plus coupons for candy, Coke and some of the other detritus they have near the check-out counter.

A normal rental costs about $3. If you have kids and you rent movies pretty often, you will save $1 on the first rental and the next 9 will be entirely free. Cool, huh? I know that they assume that if you come in to get a kid's movie, you will pick up another movie for mom and dad. They are getting their money's worth from the promotion.

But... now I have an excuse to rent all the Herbie movies again.

I want to wrestle someone.

My fortune cookie the other day had a message that read:

"Everything will now come your way."

Yikes.

Contrary to what Sammy Hagar may say, I can think of at least four or five ways to rock.

Celebrating one year of blogging by re-running some of my favorite posts:

Do you think that the people who work in those factories where they make those motivational posters stay really really motivated?

Do they hang some of the posters on the wall, or are they sufficiently motivated by the ones they have to shove in boxes all day?

--

Sometimes I think that I have multiple personalities.

When I'm out in public around people I can laugh and talk and can carry on a real good conversation.

But when I'm all alone, I just sort of clam up.

--

The other day a boy knocked on the door and said, "I'm your new paper boy!"

I said, "I don't care what you are made of."

I sure am glad I don't have to put up with that Jared guy from the Subway commercials on a daily basis.

I sold a church a new color laser printer.

I'm not going to tell you where the church is other than I'll tell you it is Baptist and it's in a town whose name rhymes with Calhoun.

Some people need to make their lives a lot simpler and go back to carbon paper and mimeograph. This computer technology is way more than they can handle.


Customer Service Call #1 from the Church

Customer: I'm trying to send a job to the printer, but it is only sending one page at a time.
Me: You are telling it to print more than one page?
C: Yes. I'm telling it to print 10.
M: What happens when you click print?
C: It prints one and then says the memory is full.... you know I'm not too sure about this printer.
M: Hmmm. It has plenty of memory. What application are you using?
C: Word... is this really going to do what we need it to?
M: Do you have a lot of graphics on the page?
C: No, not really. Just one little piece of clip art.
M: Well, I guess I need to come see what you are doing.
C: Great!
M: (drive for thirty minutes)
M: Hey is this the file? Wow, you've got a lot going on there. Let's click print and see what happens. Let's watch your progrees... wow. It says that document you are trying to print is a 20MB file. That's incredibly large for a Word document. Let's see. You see that picture you put on that page? Right click, ok properties... hmm it says "Animated GIF". You got that off the internet, didn't you? Yeah... was it dancing when you clicked on it? It was? No kidding. Well what you are doing is sending a cartoon to your printer. And your printer can't print cartoons. You need to find a piece of clip art that isn't animated, and I think you'll do fine.

Customer Service Call #2 - Next day.

C: Last week when we were printing our checks they came out fine, but this week all of the lines are off. It isn't lined up correctly.
M: You are running the checks through the bypass?
C: Yes
M: Did you run them through the bypass last week?
C: Yes and they did fine, but today it isn't coming out right.
M: Did you change any settings on the program that creates the check?
C: No we didn't change any settings... this printer is giving us more problems than...
M: I'll come see
C: Great!
M: (drive for thirty minutes)
C: Hello, I think we have it working.
M: What was the problem?
C: Well, we installed a new accounting program this week and we didn't go in and set the specifications for the check size that we are using.
M: Okay. So it is working now?
C: Yes, just printed all the checks.
M: So everything is fine with the printer... they all came out okay?
C: They look great.

Customer Service Call #3 - Next day.

C: We are trying to share this printer with all the computers in the office, but we can't print from the youth director's office.
M: Is everybody else printing okay?
C: Everybody else is doing great, he is the only one who can't print.
M: Sounds like a network issue to me.
C: No, I'm pretty sure its a problem with the printer.
M: Did you load the driver?
C: Yes
M: Did you make sure that your computer can "see" the printer?
C: I'm not sure
M: The other printer that used to be there... was that a shared printer?
C: Yes
M: Could the youth director print to that old one?
C: No
M: Hmm. So I think we've found the problem.
C: The new printer you sold us?
M: No. For some reason the youth director's computer is not talking to that printer nor was it talking to the old one. I'm not a network guy, but I'd call my network guy and ask him for help.
C: Can you come help us?
M: I'm not sure I could do...
C: Cause I really am wondering whether this printer is going to work for us...
M: I'll be there in thirty minutes (driving)
C: Hello, I think we have it working now.
M: What was the deal?
C: Well the youth director's printer isn't on the network. I guess we are going to have to run a cable or something.
M: Yeah. That might help. Call me if there is anything else I can do.

I was a little disturbed when I was looking closely at one of my daughter's diapers and found that it had bits of the lyrics of "Imagine" printed all over it in light green ink. I really dislike John Lennon and everything he stood for, so I got angry because I thought that someone might see these diapers and think that we were Lennon fans.

But you know what? I can't think of a more perfect medium on which to inscribe those lyrics.

I insist that from now on, Sarah only buy diapers with "Imagine" printed on them. Better than Bailey pooping on poor Kermit.

Today I had the pleasure of giving a talk titled "How to Watch a Movie" to the young men at the Geneva Academy.

In our discussion afterwards, one of the fellows alleged that all nine actors who play members of the fellowship in the LoTR movies are gay. I knew about Ian McKellen, but can anyone confirm or deny whether the others are or are not?

This could seriously mess up my enjoyment of these films.

Correction: In one week amber Bach will be one week year old. whoopee.

In order to celebrate, I will be shamelessly recycling some of my favorite posts from the past year.

Here's one from the very first day I owned a blog - one of my old standbys:


If you've ever driven on Highway 70 from Missouri into Kansas, you may remember the billboard that greets you when you leave the outskirts of Kansas City. It reads, "One Kansas farmer feeds 7,500 people".

And I can't help but think, "Sure, if they take really small bites."

Why do they call it stationary when it is meant to be sent?

I don't think that I would eat as many donuts if they were to shriek and beg for their lives before I bit into them.

But being the apathetic little buggers that they are, they deserve to be eaten.

Sarah hijacked my blog and posted:

My wife is the prettiest, wittiest lady I know. She's also the best cook, the best laundry genie, the best diaper changer, the best vacuum-upper, and the best tetherball player in the world. She's really good at blowing her nose and she likes to wear funny-looking socks. Who can beat that?

Sarah hijacked my blog and posted:

My favorite food in the world is pot roast. Bring it on.

Sarah hijacked my blog and posted:

You know how the tube of SuperGlue says it provides a permanent bond?

Yesterday I had some good bonding time with my cat.

I love cats.

Let me just say:

Do not ever take me seriously.

If I ever poke fun in your general direction it is because I have an immense amount of respect for you and I think you are someone who can take a joke.

If I'm not being goofy with you it means that I either don't know you or don't like you.

Never trust a man in short pants.

I'm going to start a new discussion list on Yahoo groups and I'm going to call it "Biblical Skylines."

To join the BS list you must subscribe to my monthly 700 page manifesto, which includes fuzzy illegible photocopies of partial articles from issues of Popular Mechanics from the 1970's and clippings from the local newspaper's food section.

I will wield supreme executive and judicial authority over the BS list and I will do every thing in my power to make you feel unloved, unwanted and ignored. But you will keep coming back because of all the other famous names you see on the BS list.

To sign up for the BS list, email me. I might not respond.

My windshield wipers only work when it is not raining.