Wow. Looks like I need to update my Christmas wish list.

We are leaving this afternoon for a quick tour of the southland.

Tonight we will be with my grandparents near Corinth, Mississippi and spend Thanksgiving with them.

On Friday we will be driving up through Alabama and Tennessee to visit Sarah's grandmother and aunt in Roanoke, Virginia.

We'll spend Saturday with them and then do it all in reverse to get me home in time to go to work on Monday.

So I won't be checking back or posting until Monday. I don't think we are going to get near a computer all weekend.

Have a happy Thanksgiving. Be careful if you are traveling.

The Lord bless you all!

I'm all that is man.

Is it possible for two possums to fight to the death?

I thought that DVD's represented a significant leap forward in technology, until I saw the DVD of "Cadence" on the shelf at Blockbuster. Is there nothing that they won't transfer to the new medium? Boy, I'd sure like to hear the director's commentary and check out the special features on that one.

Let me propose a new rule: If the movie should have never been made in the first place, do not go to all the trouble of releasing it on DVD.

Then again, I guess something has to fill the $9.99 DVD rack at Wal-Mart. Anybody up for "Under Siege 2"?

I picked up one of Bailey's Christmas presents today... the Little Tykes Cozy Coupe Car.

I always wanted a big car to drive around when I was a kid. I can't wait to give it to her.... in fact I probably won't.

I don't know what to make of the t-shirt that reads "Real Men Love Jesus". There is a sub-text there that I am not entirely comfortable with.

I just saw a bumper sticker that read:

"We are proud to be an American"

Please tell me this is a joke.

What's next, a film version of "Head of the Class"? Or how about "Mr. Belvedere"? Since they have re-made all of the good television shows into movies, they are down to making bad TV shows into movies. I can't wait to see Mary Kate and Ashley play "Punky Brewster".

It is now official. Hollywood is out of ideas.

I need for somebody from St. Louis to go to Rally's, buy a Big Buford and mail it to me. Who can help me out? Anybody?

The Rams lost to the Redskins and fall back under .500 with a 5-6 record.

Man, just when I think things are looking up...

I've posted four more book reviews over at Dabney Center Papers. About mid-December I will post some real papers.

Today I...

finished three papers for Dabney

converted from a loyal Home Depot customer to a Lowe's customer (I'm telling you, I was almost at the point of throwing stuff)

played hide and seek with Bailey

watched "Reign of Fire" (believe me on this one... DO NOT waste your precious money or your even more precious time on this tripe)

smoked a Cuban and drank a beer

hung some mini-blinds

fixed the leak under the sink (okay, I'm about to go do this one)

--

I love good event-filled Saturdays.

I don't think I'm quite hip enough to refer to Bailey as "my shorty."

You can tell who the pioneers are. They are the ones with the arrows in their backs.

Being in the mainstream has got to be overrated.

I can't remember ever going this far into November without wearing a sweater. We are still using the A/C at the office, and I still see people in shorts everywhere. This Louisiana eternal summer stuff is going to get old fast.

I hired a guy on Tuesday, and told him to show up at 8:00 on Thursday morning (today). He was all excited and shaking everyone's hands and busting with thanks for the opportunity.

Then he didn't show up today. No call. Nothing. I can't get ahold of him. This is the third guy that I've offered a job in the last two weeks who flaked out on me.

What kind of people go through the entire interview process like they really want the job, and then don't show up for work on the first day?

We're debating about what Bailey's big fun Christmas present should be. Should it be the Fisher Price Little People Airport or the the Little People Farm?

Shhh. Don't tell her what we're thinking.

For my wish list, I'm holding out for the Lego Star Wars Republic Gunship, but Sarah laughs at me and says that I'm getting some books by some guy named Schaff.

She might just wake up on Christmas morning to find Star Wars Legos with her name on them. Then I'll play with them. Who'll be laughing then?

Tap dancing might be more entertaining if it weren't for those annoying noisy shoes.

In my spare time I'm writing my autobiography. The working title... "Somersault to Glory".

Someone gave me some Cubans tonight. Five of 'em. Real deal.

I really ought to share them, and smoke them with someone, but do I know anyone who is Cuban-worthy?

I don't like Tic-Tacs because I really hate the sound of them rattling in their little plastic box in my pocket when I walk.

Never trust a man wearing Hush Puppies.

When an insurance company's building catches on fire, who pays for the damages?

Of all the digitally animated cartoons to come out over the last few years, I think my favorite has to be Attack of the Clones.

There is no such thing as a short sleeved dress shirt.

No, I don't want to hear about it. The discussion is over.

Rams won last night. 5-5 looks pretty good, considering all the injuries. I say leave Marc Bulger in at QB until he does something to lose the job. Make Kurt Warner earn it back. Warner got his job when Trent Green went down, and when Green got healthy, they shipped him to Kansas City.

Bulger is hot. Warner was too shaky in those first five games of the season. He scares me right now. Why mess up a good thing?

I only have a few minutes here on the computer... do I post on my blog, or do I catch up on other people's blogs?

I'm excited about the Rams again.

They play the Bears tonight on Monday Night Football. If the Rams win, they will have climbed out of the hole they dug with their 0-5 start, to a respectable 5-5 record and a firm hold on second place in their division, just two wins behind the 49ers who lost yesterday. If they continue playing well, they still stand a very good chance of making it to the playoffs with an 11-5 or 10-6 record.

No matter how hard I try, I can't bring myself to appreciate Miss Piggy. I like Fozzie and Gonzo a lot, and I can tolerate Kermit... but Miss Piggy? Just annoying.

Sarah has been buying me some frozen dinners to take to work for lunch. They really aren't that bad, and they are a heckuva lot cheaper than eating out every day.

But what I get a kick out of is the intricate instructions they give you for the proper cooking of the meal. "Remove plastic cover from apple crumb dessert, poke holes in plastic over corn and potatoes, do not remove plastic over chicken."

It is one piece of plastic. Am I to get out a pen knife and go around the little apple crumb section, careful not to remove the plastic from any other section? I usually just rip the whole plastic off and crank the microwave. We're not talking about gourmet perfection here. It's a TV dinner. If I really cared about what it tasted like, I would go get real food.

Has anyone ever tried the "Night Hawk" brand of frozen dinner that you always see on sale for like 79 cents? I've never had it. It scares me.

The eighth and final addition to the Auburn Avenue Pastor's Conference line-up of speakers was announced in yesterday's bulletin...

R. C. Sproul, Jr.

Folks are seriously frightened that we won't have enough space for everybody. I wonder what that fear is based on. Hopefully we will have a full house without being uncomfortable.

I think Sarah and I will host a blogger's get-to-together at our house during the Tuesday lunch break. We'll have snacks and some good drinks and maybe enough finger-foods to almost fill you up. We'll crank the Brandenburg Concerti and St. Matthew's Passion and party like its 1599.

I'll post directions to our house when we get closer to the date.

Results of the "how-well-do-you-know-me" quiz:

1. Of the following, which is Duane's favorite band?

Correct Answer: Lynard Skynard

For the two of you who selected Winger... what do I need to do to confirm to you that I am not a gaywad?

2. What was Duane's first car?

Correct Answer: '82 Oldsmobile Cutlass

Midnight blue four-door with a Chevy 305. Perfect body and paint. I wish I never sold it.

3. Duane's middle name is...

Correct Answer: Thomas

4. Duane was born in:

Correct Answer: 1974

Almost everyone got that one.

5. Duane's favorite work of fiction:

Correct Answer: To Kill a Mockingbird

6. How many brothers and sisters does Duane have?

Correct Answer: One sister

7. Duane has never lived in which of these states:

Correct Answer: Missouri

While I have lived very close to Missouri for most of my life, I never actually lived in the state. I have lived in Illinois, Mississippi, Nebraska and Colorado.

8. Duane has lived in which of these countries:

Correct Answer: Turkey

The Air Force assigned my dad to duty in Izmir, Turkey and we lived there for two years.

9. Which of these positions has Duane never held:

Correct Answer: Bank Teller

I have been a fast food cook, DJ at a Jazz radio station, truck driver for a lumber company and a gas station attendent.

10. When did Duane graduate high school?

Correct Answer: 1992

I know, I know, most of you were still in diapers in 1992. Before you turn around twice you will be as old as me.

Assuming it were possible that either could exist, I'm pretty sure that I'd find the "cow-people" a lot less annoying than the "chicken-people."

A co-worker asked me, "When geese fly in a 'V' formation, why is one line always longer than the other?"

I answered, "Because there are more geese in that line."

I don't want to open a can of worms... I wouldn't even know where to get one.

Annie reminded me of something stupid that I did in High School.

In P. E. there was one quarter per year where the students could sign up for various co-ed electives, like Tennis, Soccer, Volleyball, Softball, Table Tennis or Gymnastics. It was imperitive that one be present on the day that the sign-up sheets were available so that you wouldn't get stuck doing something you hated.

Well... I happened to have strep the week of the sign-up and returned to school the following Monday to see that I had been assigned to... gymnastics. I was one of only two other guys in the class. Both of them just happened to be my friends and had happened to have been absent on the sign-up day as well.

In order to get a grade for the quarter, I had to pick one apparatus and perform a "routine" on it. There was no way that in just six weeks I was going to be able to swing on the rings or flip over that thing that you flip over, so I picked the "floor routine" option. In order to get an "A", one had to do routine containing 30 moves from a list the female teacher provided. To get a "B", 25 moves. A "C" required 20.

One of the moves on the list was "somersault".

"I can do those.", I thought. "I can even do twenty of those. I'll be really happy with a 'C'."

So when the big day of the final test came, and girls were flipping and vaulting and spiraling through the air, I took my place on the mat and waited for the teacher to nod that it was my turn.

I squatted and began to somersault from one corner of the mat to the other, counting them out loud as I went. "One... hngh... TWO... hngh... THREEE."

It was when I got to the other corner and started coming back that the teacher said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa... what are you doing?"

I stood up and saw my two friends dry-heaving in laughter behind the teacher. "Is that all you have?" she sneered.

"Yes ma'am."

"Just go sit down and don't bother anybody."

Thus my career as a gymnast was over. I got a "D" for that quarter.

You make me sick and I regret that I voted for you.

I don't know which is more dangerous, your failure to understand the definition of the word religion or your inability to understand that our war is against one.

This post by Laurel made me think of all the things that I've never done but hope to accomplish before my time on earth is o'er.

I have never:

1. Eaten a panda steak.
2. Written a novel about a boy and his dog and their adventures in 18th century Delaware
3. Made a bow-tie out of bacon
4. Played in one of those big plastic ball bins like they have at Chuck E. Cheese's
5. Worn a lamp shade as a hat

I have, however...

1. Licked the end of a plugged-in laptop computer adaptor
2. Slid down two flights of stairs on a mattress
3. Ripped the labels off a pantry full of canned food
4. Eaten a stick of margarine
5. Punched a drummer in the face

I wish that I had made friends with a bunch of rodeo clowns before I got married. That would have made our reception sooo much more interesting.

If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning, I'd hammer in the evening...

But the nurse over this ward keeps telling me that there is a global hammer shortage.

You know what would make a good hat?

A big wad of gummi bears.

So I did one of those how-much-do-you-know-about-me quizzes too.

If spinning in circles and shrieking was an olympic event, I am almost certain that Bailey would medal.

I wonder if I am the only human who has ever cut himself shaving between his eyebrows.

I won a radio contest on the way to work today.

There is a great new radio station in Monroe that plays mostly Country music from the sixties, seventies and eighties. This is a format that I've been begging for.

This morning during my four minute commute, I caught the jock from that station playing three small sections of audio from three different movies. I must have been the first caller, because he picked up right away. I named them all correctly (SpaceBalls, The Hunt for Red October, A Few Good Men)... anyone could have guessed them. They were pretty obvious.

So I won two free movie rentals at Blockbuster and a VHS copy of "How to Kill Your Neighbor's Dog". Don't ask. I've never heard of it either.

At the end of the call he asked in his best hack DJ voice, "And what's your favorite radio station?!?" For a tenth of a second I thought it was an honest question and I was going to answer, "NPR". Then in the second tenth of a second, I thought how funny that would be if I actually answered that way. Then it occurred to me that if I answered like a smart aleck they might not award the prize. Then I thought, "Wait a minute, what station did I call?". Then I said, "Uh... (looking at my radio display)... 92.3?" The jock's excitement fizzled as he took down my information. I guess I was supposed to scream and shout out their tagline.

I won something. My existence is now justified.

Are you really doing someone a favor when you nod and say that the food they served is "very good", when in fact it is really really quite awful, not to mention badly burned? Don't you hate when you are served bad food, but just to be polite you say that it is good, and then a second helping is forced on you because they think you like it so much?

I once made the mistake of telling an elderly lady in the church that I pastored that her sweet potato pie was the best I had ever put in my mouth. In fact, it was really dry and pasty and didn't really do all that much for me. However, every Sunday for the next three months, she made sure to bring me a sweet potato pie. I really appreciated the gesture, but after three or four weeks, my refrigerator was full of uneaten pies, and they began to go directly into the garbage. I just didn't have the heart to tell her that I couldn't take them anymore.

Several years ago Sarah was admitted to the hospital for a bad asthma flare up. When she got home, all she wanted to do was sleep, but ladies from the church insisted that they drop by and bring food. Sarah insisted that we didn't need food, all she needed was rest. We would be up for visitors in a couple days. Ladies from the church insisted even more strongly that they come by and bring food. So Sarah had to crawl out of bed and spend three hours cleaning house so that it would be presentable for company. After they left, and I came home from work, she peeled back the aluminum foil on the pan they brought to find some sort of disgusting hodgepodge of turkey and casserole ingredients. The smell of it turned her green, so I scraped the whole thing right into the garbage disposal. Net result: I go get tacos and Sarah feels 1000% sicker than when she went to the ER.

Hospitality is vital to the building up of the body of Christ. But how do we know where to draw the line, when our attempts at showing our care and concern are just overboard and excessive, and how do we know when we are actually doing more harm than good with our efforts?

I wouldn't trade the love and fellowship of the Church for anything. But before I do anything for anyone else, I always hesitate and wonder if I am forcing myself on them in a way that is not really going to help or be appreciated. I wonder if there is a better way of approaching the whole thing.

I do this about every couple months... it is probably time to say it again...

If you link to me, tell me about it... I would really like to link to you, so that I can read your blog on a regular basis as well.

I know that there are several that I need to get to, like Jon Amos', and I need to update Kristen's link... but no time for blog maintenance now... I need to go to bed... I feel like I'm coming down with the flu...

So... leave your URL in my comments box, and I will get to it this weekend.

Thank you.

At work business is picking up, we're adding people to the sales team and we're opening more stores in the south and midwest over the next three months...

At home we have about a bamillion little things to do to finish up our move and get things settled...

At Dabney I've got a score of papers to write and four finals in the next six weeks...

I feel that I am at my best when I am the most busy... so I should be feeling really good between now and Christmas.

I'm working on a way to dilute water.

I'm a closet claustrophobic.

I'm a very busy person on the cellular level.

I don't think our generation really cares all that much about what is right or what is wrong. I think they are just bored.

I gave Bailey a Push Pop and let her go at it herself. No help from Daddy. Some of it actually ended up in her mouth. I tried to explain to Sarah how these are really the happiest times when kids are at this age, but she was too busy trying to get the orange sherbet out of the carpet.

A bug just flew right in my mouth.

It was one of those little slow flying gnat things. I saw it coming and thought that I had swatted it away, but it flew right in. It hit the back of my mouth and my swallowing reflex kicked in. There is nothing to spit out. It went right down.

What do I do? ECCHCHCHHHH. I am going to go brush my teeth. Drink some milk. Blechch.

Well, he's worse off than I'm going to be. I had burritos for lunch.

If you want to tell me something, and you need to tell it to me right now, you can send me a text page over at metrocall.com.

Click on "send a message", type 3183402003 in the "to" line, and then type a text message below.

Getting pages makes me feel very important. And loved.

Today's Lesson I Learned the Hard Way'

When someone asks you, "What kind of idiot do you think I am?", they are not necessarily expecting an answer.

www.despair.com

The other day I was stopped at a railroad crossing watching the boxcars go by, and I saw a big beautiful nightime skyline of St. Louis spraypainted on the side of one of the cars. Yeah, it was graffiti, but whoever did it was pretty talented. A lump raised in my throat for just a second as I started feeling a little bit of misty homesickness. It didn't last too long though, because I went back to wishing that the train would hurry up and get out of my way.

But... I really wish that some of those graffiti guys would pursue a more legitimate outlet to display their skills. Some of their work is simply stunning.

It now takes me four minutes to get home from work. Four minutes!

I have never lived this close to work (except when I was pastoring that church in Mississippi and only had to walk across my back yard to get to the church office and that was almost six years ago but that doesn't really count.)

When I worked in downtown St. Louis (1801 Washington Ave.) it would sometimes take me ten minutes just to get to the TWA Dome, where I would then wait another ten minutes to get onto the MLK bridge at which point I was still 20 miles away from home.

Then when the company moved to Shrewsbury last year, my commute almost doubled. It didn't matter whether I swung around 270 or went right through town on 70, many nights it took just over an hour to get home.

Four minutes!

No matter how hard I work at it, I can't find more than two or three useful applications for bologna.

Do you ever have that dream where you are back in High School and you are wearing nothing but your underwear?

Is that the dream that Disney is talking about when they say that they make dreams come true?

One cool thing about moving is all the cool stuff that you find that you forgot you had. I found my Sony Playstation game system last night along with a bunch of games. I plugged it in and played with it for hours.

It would have been even more fun if I had found one of the controllers.

Today's Entirely Empty Threat

The well is dry, pancakes. I am all out of pointless blog activities, pancakes.

Until I can come up with something fresh and exciting, I will feature a threatening statement that you are free to use anytime you need to verbally display your strength and fortitude without really intending to act upon it, pancakes. These threats are appropriate when you have a need to assert yourself to your spouse, co-workers, students, children or pancakes.

Here is today's entry:

"I'm gonna mop the floor with your butt and then I'm gonna whoop you again for not getting up in the corners."

Today's Entirely Empty Threat is brought to you by According to John to the Max, the new pay-per-view theology blog. For a tiny fee you can read the best theology that North America has to offer again and again.

You may think that putting pickle slices over your eyes to make a silly face would be pretty funny, but there is nothing funny about explaining your third-degree corneal pickle juice burns to the ER doctor.

Furthermore, it really isn't that funny of a gag in the first place. Nobody is fooled because real eyes don't have seeds in the middle.

Nobody is subscribing to amber Bach PLUS because I am not as liked as other people.

New strategy. I am going to do wild extreme total access versions of blogs maintained by people more likeable and popular than I.

For example, you can go to the lame old FREE Rick Capezza blog, or you can go to the totally outrageous Beautiful Feet PLUS.

Today's Totally Pointless Blog Activity

When posting or commenting, use your region's peculiar dialect. See if anyone notices.

Thanks, Kristen, for the idea.

Rachel's post reminds me of something that I've thought about...

What if spiders had wings? That would be totally scary.

Better yet, what if sharks had legs and could walk on dry land? That would completely freak me out.

So we moved. It took 94 minutes to load, travel to the new house and unload... 26 minutes under my estimate. I had one friend show up to help, and we got after it.

I love a good organized move. Having grown up an Air Force brat, we honed it down to a science. My family moved 12 times before I left home, and this move makes my 6th as an adult. Give me six hours and two helpers and I can have our entire household packed and on a truck, ready to go.

I really don't like showing up to help someone move to find out that they haven't even started packing. I usually start ordering people around at that point. Hey, if you don't like it, I'll go do something else, but I ain't standing around while you cram your Barry Manilow LP's in a suitcase in between some newspaper-wrapped Hummel figurines. Get out of my way, go get a sandwich, I'll be done when you get back.

Anyway... where was I?

Ohhhhhh.... so we get to the new place and I have to buy a refrigerator because the old one that came with the place was so filthy and moldy that it was about to grow legs, walk out of there, and begin distributing campaign leaflets. Before it got the chance to evolve any further I shoved the reeking pile of scrap off the back steps, and wheeled in our shiny new Fridgedaire. An unexpected expense, sure, but my parents helped me cover part of it.

Then I try to hook up the washer, turn it on, and water begins POURING out of the bottom of it. I can't localize the leak. The water is coming from everywhere. Something must have come apart between the old house and the new.

So I guess that if we can't fix it, we'll be buying a washer... which means that in a few weeks we may be able to afford a used one. Until then, we're collecting quarters for the laundromat.

If it ain't one thing, it's another.

Valerie suggested a dandy Totally Pointless Blog Activity in my absence.

Today's Totally Pointless Blog Activity

Tired of not having anything important to add to a comment thread? I feel that way all the time... especially when I'm reading some of those deeply theological blogs.

Today, don't let "not having anything to say" stop you from commenting. If you are at a loss for words when you are reading someone's blog, simply comment, "Yeah? Well that's what YOU think, Chester!"

I'm gonna go do it right now.

I tasted roast goat tonight.

I don't know how to dance. Well, I do, sorta. But someone usually ends up contacting the authorities before I'm finished.

I would like to go on record as saying that I, for one, am not particularly fond of Raymond.