Totally Pointless Blog Activity October 31st

List the worst costume ideas for your church's Reformation Day party.

I'll start.

MOVING and STUFF

If you've been keeping up with Sarah's blog, you know that we are moving to a bigger house closer to everything important to us in Monroe. We've been living in a little town about 20 minutes north of Monroe, where I found an okay place to live for not much money. But the fact that there are hardly any local amenities, and the fact that Sarah is making at least one, but sometimes two trips into town every day, got us looking for something a lot closer to the middle of Monroe. We're moving Saturday.

My company is also in the process of moving. Our new building is finished, and we have been slowly relocating. I took my computer and desk over there just this evening. But we have no phones and no server until next week. That's gonna be fun.

So I'm looking forward to the change. I thought that a 20 minute commute was going to be no big deal, since I had a 40 minute commute in St. Louis, and we drove about 50 miles to get to church, but in a small town, there is a shift of perspective. Even though we were on the outside of the big bypass in St. Louis, we still had forty-two restaurants and a million stores just blocks from our apartment. Here, if you don't live in the city, there is nothing for miles around.

The new house is 1.9 miles from my new office and just over a mile from church. I won't know what to do with all the extra time that I am not spending in the car.

Oh... if you are reading this and you want to help us move...

We are getting a U-Haul on Saturday and we are going to start loading it at 8:00 A.M. I am estimating that it will take us no longer than two hours to load AND unload, because I have been taking pick-up loads over all week, and that's how long it took us to load and unload the last time we moved. I have only three pieces of furniture and two appliances that require two people to carry. So if you love moving furniture around, email me (dugarner@lycos.com) and I will give you directions.

And another thing

Don't be alarmed if I don't post regularly over the next few days. I know you'll understand.

Today's Totally Pointless Blog Activity

Since Matt Colvin just recently added a traffic meter to his site, let's all go there today.

Repeatedly.

Hit it every few minutes. Everytime you think about it. Let's run his site meter way up and see how high we can make it go.

He'll think that he's suddenly extremely popular until he reads this.

I think one of the reasons why virtually no one has signed up for amber Bach PLUS is that no one can really see the value in something that only costs $20 a month. You must be thinking, how can he consistently provide incredible, insightful, erudite content for just $20 a month?

Well the answer is, I can't. I'm gonna need like $40, if that's not a problem. I'm thinking if just 50 people could sign up at $40 a month, I could totally quit my job and do nothing but continue to provide the excellent content you've been getting over there at amber Bach PLUS.

Look, if just one person signs up, I could afford Direct TV. Wouldn't that be worth it to you?

The other day was a co-worker's birthday. On such occasions, someone runs out to get a cake and we all sign a card. This time it was a Dairy Queen cake and I had not had lunch. So I asked for a big piece. After everyone had eaten, I snuck back and got another piece. Then the shame set in. I felt awful as I wolfed down the second piece of cake.

So I destroyed the evidence.

I put the styrofoam plate and plastic fork right into the shredder. I am so thankful for modern technology.

I just wish that there was a technology that would help me extract the remains of the fork from the blades of the shredder. Everyone comments on the funny noise the shredder is making. That's when the guilt returns.

The probability of someone watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions.

I'm not a marketing genius, or anything, but I bet if they changed the name from "March of Dimes" to "March of Quarters" they might get more money.

Today's Totally Pointless Blog Activity

Sign off every post and comment with, "Pancakes!"

An example post:
"So then I like went to mall and found this totally cute top that I just like had to have, but I remembered that Gilmore Girls was coming on, so I had to hurry home. Pancakes!"

An example comment:
"I totally disagree with you, Matt Colvin. Pancakes!"

Unless you are Lutheran. If you are Lutheran, sign off with "Waffles!".
Or if you are Dutch Reformed, "Wayfel" would be acceptable, but please leave off the exclamation point. That would just be offensive.

Pancakes!

My insurance won't pay for Prozac, so the doctor just prescribed me Happy Meals.

If it's true that "Early to bed and early to rise makes you healthy, wealthy, and wise", why are chickens so diseased, poor and stupid?

Cold and flu season is here again, so If you're sick, you should drink plenty of fluids.

And if you ever find a way to drink something that isn't a fluid, be sure and let me know.

Today's Totally Pointless Blog Activity

Go to someone's blog and dig way back deep into the archives. Leave an obscure comment on a post that they made a long time ago. They'll get an email with the text of your comment, but won't have any idea what post it belongs to, and won't be able to find it.

Or you could just go look at some Toy Robots.

For the first time in ages, Sarah and I had the opportunity to go to the movies on Saturday night. As it went, there was absolutely nothing we were really interested in seeing. All the movies that we wanted to see over the summer are long gone from the theaters and are not out on video yet. So we walked up to the window and bought tickets for "Sweet Home Alabama". Looked harmless.

Okay, the movie had nothing to do with Ronnie Van Zant. When I figured that out I stopped paying attention. The story was something about some people doing some stuff. I think the central theme was "money solves all your problems". Like I didn't already know that. And I would have fewer problems if I could get my $6.50 back.

My dear wife said to me today:

"You are just a big kid. You are always doing stupid stuff either to see how loud of a noise you can make, or how bad you can hurt yourself, or how bad you can tear something up."

Then she made me go to my room.

Introducing a new feature...

Today's Totally Pointless Blog Activity

When you post a comment on someone's blog today, address that person with a completely different name.

For example, address Ric Capezza as "Mike" Capezza, address Jon Barlow as "Enrique" and address Chris Smith as "Hambone Jackson". Call Matt Colvin "Padre", and Kristen Knox "Skippy". Call my wife Sarah, "Queen Mamma Jamma". Address Wayne Whitmer as "Johnny Carwash." You get the idea.

But don't do that on Mark Horne's blog. No goofing around there.

Sometimes I feel really stupid and wonder why anyone puts up with me.

I wonder what it means when someone who used to link to your blog, and comment often on it, stops coming around and suddenly removes a link to your blog from their blog?

Should you return the favor and remove their blog from your link list? Or should you just assume that it is some sort of mistake?

I'm starting to sound as paranoid as Wayne.

Plan A was to start up a blog that people would pay to read so that I could quit my job.

Plan B is to continue making that blog so appealing that you just want to drop everything you are doing and click on it every five minutes to see if I've updated it. Thus, hooked on it, you won't be able to live without it. Then I can charge whatever I want.

Remember... amber Bach PLUS: Total Access

Fall in love with it. Fall in love with me. Subscribe today.

If I were a brain surgeon, I think I would turn to the guy next to me right in the middle of an operation and say, "You know, this ain't rocket science."

Before game four of the World Series tonight, the top ten most memorable moments in baseball history (as voted on by fans) were announced.

I got to thinking... wouldn't the most memorable moment be the one that just happened? I don't care how uneventful it might have been, I can remember it a whole lot more clearly than anything that happened ten years ago. I can tell you exactly what I was wearing, what I was eating and where I was sitting a minute ago. I'm a little fuzzy on some of those details when you bring up the '83 series.

You know back around 1999-2000, there were a lot of different shows and magazines that recapped the biggest news stories of the 20th century. I wonder what headlines could be chosen for the biggest news stories in the history of the world?

How about:

"Water Proven to be Drinkable, Useful for Bathing"

"Bread Sliced"

"TV Invented, Literacy Levell's Imediutly Dropp to Altime Low"

"Research Confirms: He Who Smelt It, Dealt It"

"Global Community Elated upon Coronation of Duane Garner as Supreme Potentate of the Universe"

Oh wait. That last one hasn't happened. Yet.

I wish I had a cooler life. So I could blog about it.

Residents of Ruston, Louisiana, a town thirty miles to the west of us, are debating the question of whether restaurants in their town should be allowed to sell alcoholic drinks. They will decide the matter on November's ballot.

I drove by a big Southern Baptist church in Ruston today with this message on their sign:

"Vote 'no' on alcoholic drinks. We can live without it."

You call that living?

This week I'm running a major recruiting drive. I need to hire at least three new salespeople to make my business plan work. Before I wasted five hundred dollars on a two inch help-wanted ad in the local Sunday fish wrap, I thought that I would go to the internet. There is a local job search site that every one raves about, so I thought I would check it out.

Turns out you can't post an ad on the site yourself. One must call the company, discuss the terms of the agreement and fax the text of the ad to a barely-out-of-high-school chick who then proceeds to mangle the wording and do exactly the opposite of what is requested as she types the text into the appropriate fields for you. Thanks for saving me the step!

When I first checked the ad, half of the words were missing important letters, the other half of the text was runtogetherwithoutspaces. Punctuation was entirely absent, and nothing was in its proper place. I called her six times today, and faxed her twice concerning the corrections I needed. It still is not even close to what I want, but she is so dim that I don't know how explain to her what I expect in words that she can understand.

Here is the ad. Can you locate my favorite line?

Oh well. It is only costing me $100, and it runs for four weeks. If I even get one person, it will pay for itself.

Have you ever heard of moon trees? They are just like regular trees except that they orbited the moon back when they were seeds.

There are three kinds of people that no one understands: geniuses, madmen, and guys that mumble.

I attended Rich Lusk's presbytery examination and ordination on Saturday. It wasn't as scary as I expected it to be.

But that may be due in part to the fact that Rich is one of the most calm, even-keeled guys I know. Even when somebody tried to rattle his cage, his answers were cool and he kept his composure.

I hope that I do as well if I ever have the opportunity to become ordained (again).

I wish that the leaves would fly south every fall and the birds would die and fall to the ground.

That way I could get the cat to do all the raking.

Hey, for all you cheapos who refuse to pay for the superior quality content on amber Bach PLUS Total Access, I just updated the free part of the page just so you can see what you are missing.

Somebody asked me if I wanted to go to the auto show this weekend.

Isn't that a lot like a parking lot that you pay to see?

I like to hold the door open for people approaching the door behind me, especially when they're really far behind and they have to hustle so as not to leave me standing there.

Then I get to hear them thank me, when all I did was make them run.

Article 9 of the recently adopted Conflict Resolution Committee Report, Westminster Presbytery:

"Westminster Presbytery holds to the continuing, abiding validity of the Sabbath Day as stated in the Confession of Faith, which is to be a day of joy and delight which God has given to His people. We believe that unorganized, informal recreation on the Sabbath is an allowable exception to the Confession. Participation in organized sports is considered contrary to the Confessional Standards and an exception that will not be allowed for admittance into this Presbytery. We recognize that there are differing scruples on minor issues in regard to how to keep the Sabbath Day holy."

Does that mean that you can get a pick-up softball game together on a Sunday afternoon, so long as you don't play by any rules? What do you think they mean by "organized sports"?

An alarming number of people are hitting my blog by typing "truck driving classes in Mississippi" into their search engine.

And by typing that exact phrase here I probably just doubled that number.

"Come on back truckers, and talk to Teddy Bear."

I made a half-hearted off-the-cuff comment on a fellow Bach fan's blog and then got quoted here on this dude's blog.

I was just trying to be a smart aleck poser, but his response is pretty good.

Hey, did I tell you about how I saved that guy's life the other day?

Yeah, I stopped hitting him.

Are you listening Capezza?

I really ought to start on a diet or something. Yesterday Bailey tossed a ball to me and I didn't catch it... it just started orbiting me.

I'm tired of my blog's title. When I started blogging, I thought that I would be writing mostly about music and beer, but I haven't written about either in a long time. I'm going to experiment with a few different names. What do you think of this one?

(I had changed it to Ceci n'est pas une blog.)

Just posted my review of Resident Aliens at Dabney Center Papers.

Somehow an online Etch-a-Sketch is not as fun as the real thing. For one, you can't take it in the car with you.

Bailey has a Magna Doodle, which is way cooler than Etch-a-Sketch ever was. It is the perfect car toy.

I remember the day my English teacher sneered and handed my paper back to me saying, "You should probably invest in a good thesaurus."

I don't know what his deal was. He was probably feeling a bit lobstery that day.

The airwaves here are full of advertisements for political campaigns. We've had a number of candidates for various offices actually knock on our door and hand us a scrap of promotional detritus. Southerners take their politics seriously.

For the first time since I turned eighteen, I am not voting. I'm feeling pretty disillusioned with the whole mess, and I'm not casting a vote for anybody until I get some thoughts straightened out.

I take that back. I'll vote for a school board member whose central campaign promise is to dismantle the school board and shut down the government school. I'll vote for anybody else who promises to work at decreasing government to the point that the office they are running for will be non-existent come next election.

If you know of anybody like that, let me know so I can register to vote for them.

If your job even remotely has anything to do with sales, you may appreciate:

My Top Five List of Movies About Salesmen

1. Glengarry Glen Ross*
2. Tommy Boy
3. Boiler Room*
4. Tin Men
5. The Fuller Brush Man

*For those concerned, these two films contain an extreme amount of profanity... which of course makes them all the more realistic. (Ben Affleck's monologue near the beginning of Boiler Room is only slightly less profane than a similar speech I got from one of my sales managers early in my career.) However, neither should be viewed with children or parents anywhere close by.

By the way, does anybody else feel uncomfortable watching anything higher than a PG movie with their parents? I remember my parents protecting me from objectionable material. Now I feel like I have to protect them.

I think the main difference between me and you is that while you may see an old rag stuffed in a car's gas tank, I see a wick.

They may call it "Ant and Roach Killer," but it also does quite a number on cats if you spray them long enough.

If walls could talk, what makes you think that they would speak English?

My sister's name is Carrie Mae and she is a sales director for Mary Kay. Funny.

Two Wild-Card teams from California are in the World Series... teams that did not even win their respective divisions. The players might as well have gone on strike a couple of months ago.

Yes. I'm a sore loser.

Somebody using a Charter St. Louis internet account at 9:24 last night was the 10,000th visitor to my page. Who could it be?

My parents (who are fundamentalist revivalist individualist sectarian Baptists) drove down from St. Louis on Friday to visit us for the weekend. They attended worship with us at Auburn Avenue Presbyterian Church yesterday morning.

Their church has an extremely casual approach to worship. Everyone shoots from the hip and they kind of make it up as they go along. To them, any sort of preparation is formalism and dead ritualism and leads to vain repetition.

So they were totally wigged out by the liturgy. They barely sang the hymns, they didn't kneel, they didn't raise their hands for the Doxology... they completely "sat out" every activity other than standing when everyone else stood. I am sure that the fact that we had an infant baptism yesterday didn't help them out much either. When the bread and the wine came around, they abstained with upturned noses. Their church practices closed communion (they don't even allow fellow Baptists to eat with them, only the members of their little church) and they are forbidden from taking it anywhere else... in effect excommunicating themselves from the holy catholic and apostolic church.

They didn't go back for the evening service with us, even though it was our special "second Sunday" meeting with food and fellowship and great music. They sat at home with Bailey and watched T.V.

I suppose that I should have insisted that Bailey come with us to church, but I didn't want to start a fight since they were leaving this morning. I don't know how to feel about their total rejection of the things that are most important to me. But then again, maybe I did the same thing to them when I rejected the teachings of the church they raised me in.

The biggest fear that I have is that they are secretly thinking that I have come to the conclusions I have because I am a flake. I wish they would take the time to listen to me explain exactly why I am where I am, but they don't want to talk about it.

I took this test a couple of weeks ago when it was floating around on everyone's blogs. I didn't like the results. So I waited a while and took it again. Same disturbing results.

Before you draw any conclusions, however, it is important to take note of this line from the disclaimer on the test's webpage, "Once again, this test is not meant to be used as a diagnostic tool. Only a trained professional can properly diagnose a personality disorder."

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Very High
Schizoid:	High
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Very High
Avoidant:	Very High
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Click Here To Take The Test --

Stupid psychology test.

I've posted a couple of papers I've written for the Dabney Center at dabneycenterpapers.blogspot.com, and plan to post some others that I have written soon. It is not the best format, because in my cut-and-paste, I lost my footnotes. If anybody has any ideas about how to preserve them and post for free, let me know.

Right now all I have posted is a couple of book reviews, but I'll let you know when I have posted some more substantial stuff.

Ok, so the Cardinals are making little mistakes and getting hurt in a big way while the Giants have played perfectly through the first two games. Perfect pitching, perfect fielding, perfect hitting, perfect strategy with runners on (did you see that squeeze play in the top of the ninth?). I expect the Giants might begin to make a few mistakes over the next couple of games and when they do, the Redbirds are going to have to jump on them and take advantage of them in a big way. Otherwise, this series is going to end Sunday night in San Franscisco.

The Giants are so tough right now, I am not optimistic about anything past a five-game series.

Did you ever have a calculator wrist watch? My dad had one of the first Casio models that came out, and gave it to me after he wore it for a couple of years. I don't know if that qualifies me as a geek or a spazz.

I don't get mad, I get even.

Actually, I don't get even, I usually just get mad.

Okay, really, I just get depressed and mope for a while.

Then I eat ice cream.

The bad news is that lately my credit card has been getting charged for a ton of stuff I didn't order.

The good news is that I won that "Who's Got the Best Password" contest on AOL last week.

Yesterday I called to speak to one of the men in our church. His wife answered and said that he was too busy to come to the phone. He was out back "worming the goats."

Mark that as the first time I have ever used the phrase "worming the goats."

Only in Louisiana.

Since this blog is not making me any money, since everything else free on the web is going away... I'm jumping on the bandwagon.

Sign up now for "amber Bach PLUS: Total Access". Only $19.95 per month.

Just imaging having these wonderful features right at your fingertips:

* A great new system for comments - Senior Plensus

* Links to all of your favorite reformed catholic post-theonomic ecclesiocentric liturgical libertarian journals

* Links to all of your favorite reformed catholic post-theonomic ecclesiocentric liturgical libertarian bloggers

* Links to guys with penguins on their blogs

* Links to girls with indecipherable Latin slogans on their blogs

* Never-before-seen photographs of the most adorable 18-month-old tongues-speaker in the universe

* Minute-by-minute updates of St. Louis professional stick-and-ball teams

* New-and-improved stupid one liners and really worthless links

* Quotes from books one must read at the Dabney Center

Aid the cause of Christian reconstruction on the web by giving me money. In exchange, I will allow you to look at stuff I write.

The first ten subscribers will receive a limited edition amber Bach back scratcher and oven mitt.

Here's just one testimony from an enthusiastic subscriber:

"Man, my life was all like whack and worthless before I signed up for amber Bach PLUS. Now I like have a purpose and a mission in life... to adore Duane. Man, that dude is awesome! I mean I've devoted my entire blog, 'Corn Dog Blog' to the worship of this dude."

Uh-oh. Major time waster. You can play Game Boy Color games online. I've got dibs on Super Mario.

I've found a way to tap into the space-time continuum with a hand mixer, a roll of aluminum foil and a block of cheddar.

Interestingly enough, the future looks a lot like the present, except three feet over and with more cheese

I had been hoping for a St. Louis - Atlanta National League Champion Series because both pastors Wilkins and Lusk are huge Braves fans, and I was looking for a little fun rivalry.

However, I did learn that the other team that did make it to the NLCS has a fan in our congregation. Dr. Michael Hill roots for the Giants. We should do something to make it interesting.

Some people call me a space cowboy.
Some call me the gangster of love.
Some people call me Maurice.

Something tells me my Halloween costume still needs work.

Sometimes being an adult is everything I ever hoped it would be... staying up as late as I want and eating Lucky Charms for supper.

A barrel of monkeys is not nearly as fun as one might think. I had to kill half of them just to keep them in the barrel.

Rams. Ohfer 5.

The only burning question left for the Rams: who should they take with that first round, first choice draft pick?

Where did Saturday go?

Sarah left with Bailey early this morning to go to the Monroe Symphony Orchestra booksale. It looks like she picked up a few good things. I told her to keep an eye out for anything by Barth (I want to familiarize myself with some of his thought.) She picked up volumes 2 and 3 of his "Church Dogmatics", some stuff by a Swedish Lutheran named Nygren, and a few Lutheran and Anglican hymnals among other things.

This was a Dabney Center weekend, so my schedule for the morning was set. Heard some very good lectures from Professors Oswalt and Wilkins. Just as Professor Lusk began his lecture, my pager began buzzing. The display showed our home phone number followed by the numbers "911" - code for call me right now... there's an emergency.

I left the classroom and found a phone, and heard Sarah's frantic voice on the other end telling me that Bailey had locked herself in the bathroom and that she couldn't get her out. I tried to talk her through the "stick something in the little keyhole" routine, but nothing was working. Bailey was freaking out and Sarah was about to break the door down. So I hopped in the truck and headed home. By the time I got there, Bailey was freed from her prison. I turned on my heels and went back to class.

Sarah had a concert this afternoon with the MSO, so I left straight from Dabney and slipped into the auditorium, half an hour late. The great part about being late is that the concert was free. No one was hanging around to collect any money, and I just popped in. The bad part about being late is that I missed the part of the program that I would have enjoyed the most. I am proud that Sarah has an opportunity to play here. The symphony she played with in Belleville, Illinois (St. Louis suburb) was unprofessional, operated on a shoe string and was poorly supported. The Monroe Symphony Orchestra has some great patrons, and she actually gets paid for playing.

After the concert we picked up Bailey from the Lusk's house, (where Sarah had left her to play with the Lusk kids while we were at the concert), grabbed supper at the Cracker Barrel, swung by Blockbuster to pick up "Monsters, Inc.", went home and flopped in the recliners.

The movie was really better than I expected. Pixar is amazing. I competely lost myself in the story and forgot that it was computer-animated.

Now I am at the computer, barely pulling in a couple of KMOX's 50,000 watts to catch the last couple innings of the Cardinals game... and... that's a winner! The Redbirds sweep the Diamondbacks and head for the NLCS.

Good day.

To everything there is a season and a time for every purpose under heaven. The time for drop-kicking poodles hasn't quite arrived yet, but when it does, I'm ready.

I saw a PBS special where they talked about how good baboons are at grooming. Personally, I find them to be way overrated -- they totally messed up my sideburns, gave me this huge cow-lick and didn't wash all the soap out of my hair.

Oh well, you get what you pay for.

Yesterday the Cardinals went two games up on the Diamondbacks in a.... you don't really care, do you?

The storm didn't do much here. My garbage can was blown over on its side and I think there was a stick in the yard. Come to think of it, I think that stick was already there.

We were spared from any damage.

I have a screaming fast internet connection at the office and my page still takes about six years to load. I deleted all the pictures but it didn't make a difference. So it must be blogger... sorry. If I was coming to this page I would give up after like the third second of waiting for it to load. Anyway, I appreciate your patience.

Looks like the hurricane is going to come right by our front door tonight about 7:00 PM. It is really windy now with tiny little drops of stinging rain, but that has been starting and stopping all day.

Tonight we are sharing our home with a family from Covenant Presbyterian Church (from way down in Sulphur, Louisiana). They had to evacuate their home, along with many of their fellow church members and came up our way to wait out the bad weather.

I think I'm too intrigued by the storm to be much frightened by it. I'll let you know if it changes my mind when it passes by.

I think Iowa should choose Mount Rushmore as the design for their official state quarter. You know, just to torque off South Dakota.

The human body is amazing.

Did you know that if you were to take the small intestine of an average person and spread it around the bases at Yankee Stadium, you'd be committing at least three felonies?

(Imagine a picture of Jim Edmonds hitting a two-run homer)

And that's a winner!

In the first game of the division playoff series Jim Edmonds cracks a two-run homer and the Cardinals beat over the 2001 World Series Champion Diamondbacks 12-2.

An unforgiveable aspect of Louisiana culture is its complete marginalization of baseball. No one gives a flip.

Since posts about food always garner a lot of comments, and since I am feeling lonely...

pancakes.

Last night we watched the old Martin Luther movie from 1953. I rented it from the library. While it seems that it was historically accurate, the dialogue was very wooden and I had a hard time staying interested. It looked like the sort of film that one is forced to watch in school.

I remember in my American History class in the ninth grade every week we had to watch an episode of "Profiles in Courage" projected onto the wall next to the chalk board. History was right after P.E. and I was normally exhausted. I can't remember staying awake through an entire episode that whole semester. I do remember time after time waking up in a pool of slobber with the impression of the spirals of my notebook pressed into my face.

Nothing helps me sleep better than a boring black and white movie.

I am the Intercontinental Leg-Wrestling Champion of the World.

C'mon if you want a shot at the title.

My wife blogs better than I do.