The sermon went well on Sunday, I think. I wish I had more time. I could have easily made it twice as long, but I know how I feel about listening to hour-long sermons.

Everybody told me that they appreciated it, some said that they learned something, one man said, "Boy you sure fit a lot of stuff in there." It is possible that they were just being nice.

I was comfortable with it though. It was the first time that I preached from a pure manuscript, rather than just an outline with sections of it written out. I was way more settled and secure with the manuscript, even if I had sections of it memorized.

I love preaching. I can't wait until I can do it again for a living.

Monday on The Writer's Almanac, Garrison Keillor read a poem by Don Marquis (who I had never heard of before.)

The poem, Pity the Poor Spiders, is one of several Marquis wrote from the perspective of a character he named "Archy the Cockroach".

I would copy the entire poem here, but that would take up my whole page and would probably violate a couple of copyright laws. So click on the link, if you've never read it before. I enjoy quirky and witty poetry. I would like to find out what else Marquis wrote, and if most of his work is similar to this.

--

I like the way Keillor closes The Writer's Almanac everyday.

"Be well, do good work, and keep in touch."

I just realized that I'm composing a sermon about gnosticism while eating Ramen Noodles and drinking a Pepsi.

That's like writing a sermon on the 8th commandment with a stolen pen.

Well I think I have the sermon where I want it. I was told that I had 30 minutes, so I ran through it twice today and came out at 32 minutes the first time and 28 minutes the second.

Here's my outline: (This is a Southern Baptist Church, mind you)

I. Your children deserve to be recognized as members of the covenant

II. No really, listen to me, the covenant promises are to you and to your children

III. Who threw that?

IV. Look, it is quite simple actually. Apply the covenant sign to your little ones, it belongs to them as much as it does to you.

V. Stop that. We can't have people throwing things at the pulpit while I'm trying to speak.

VI. Now where on earth did you get those pitchforks and torches?


OK... I'm kidding!

I am preaching on "The Church Incarnate" - refuting gnosticism's basic tenets and exploring gnostic tendencies within the church. I'm using sections of I John as my text.

My three big points are:

Gnosticism overemphasizes internal, unseen things and despises the external and objective

Gnosticism stresses individual experience and ignores the community

Gnosticism depends on personal revelation and rejects the testimony of the saints through the ages

At each point I hope to explain how the Church must become less "spiritual" and become incarnate for the sake of the gospel. I pray that I can pull it off.

The sermon is not coming together like I want it to, and I am beginning to panic.

I forgot how much work goes into a sermon.

And I used to write three of these a week?

Was Richard Reid Shoe Bomber #2?

I'm not a big conspiracy nut, but I believe that the "spark in the fuel tank" of Flight 800 was caused by a Surface-to-Air missile.

Is this Flight 587 thing another cover up?

Sarah is gone to see her parents in Maryland for a week, and I'm all by myself.

That's not usually a good thing, but this week it is okay because I have the rare opportunity to preach on Sunday. I've been spending every night after work cramming and studying. It is tough to pull myself away from Bailey and Sarah and focus on study when they are around. But with them gone, I don't have that temptation, though I do miss them severely.

I really don't know how I survived before Sarah came around. Whenever she takes a trip and I'm at home alone, I lose all interest in messing with food. I don't want to buy it and I don't want to eat it. It is depressing to eat alone.
So I've been working my way through a box of Cap'n Crunch and a six pack of Michelob. I had a Slurpee for lunch.

I also hate sleeping alone. It just doesn't seem right. I keep waking up wondering what's going on. Oh well, only a few more days.

For Rick's benefit:

Psalm 128
1 Blessed is every one that feareth the LORD; that walketh in his ways.
2 For thou shalt eat the labour of thine hands: happy shalt thou be, and it shall be well with thee.
3 Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by the sides of thine house: thy children like olive plants round about thy table.
4 Behold, that thus shall the man be blessed that feareth the LORD.
5 The LORD shall bless thee out of Zion: and thou shalt see the good of Jerusalem all the days of thy life.
6 Yea, thou shalt see thy children's children, and peace upon Israel.

I really wish I could find my old Weezer CD. Today is definitely a Weezer day.

Here's another one of these things:

What is your real, birth name? Duane Thomas Garner - but I'd like to change it to El Conquistador

How do you "dress up?" Suit and tie

How do you "dress down?" Dockers and button down

Do you wear any jewelry? I wear a gold ring on my left hand

What's your real birth date? 9 / 7 / 1974

What's the worst thing one of your siblings ever did to you? One birthday I got a new Star Wars X-Wing Fighter for my Luke Skywalker action figure to fly. There was a pretty steep hill in my grandparents' backyard and on the very same day that I got the X-Wing, my sister took it to the top of the hill and threw it to see if it would fly. It flew about a foot and then tumbled and crashed all the way down the hill. Completely busted it.

When's the last time you saw any member of your family? Saw my wife at lunch, saw my parents in St. Louis the day we moved down to Louisiana.

Who was your best friend when you were growing up? Huckleberry Finn

How old were you when you went on your first date? I was 18 before I had my first kiss. That was only because my cousin was over. It was his first kiss too.

What were you like in high school? VERY introverted. I played football, was on the track team, acted in plays and musicals and sang in the concert choir, but I never made any friends in any of those groups. I spent my lunch time in the library reading, and went straight home after school or practice. I tried to make it through the day talking to as few people as possible.

What were your high school goals? Graduating with the fewest math credits possible.

What song is "your song?" Sweet Home Alabama

When it comes to mundane politics, do you care? I used to. Now I would only listen to a politician if he had something to say about Southern secession.

What annoys you more than anything else? People who chew with their mouths open or crunch loudly on chips and stuff.

What do you find most relaxing? Sitting at home with a book, a pipe and a glass of port.

How old were you when you first got drunk? Never been drunk.

What kind of alcohol do you prefer? I like port and a particular brand of Michelob beer whose name escapes me at the moment.

Has anyone or anything you've ever cared about died? My cat Calvin died last fall.

Here we go again... from the Baptist discussion group:

"What Bro. Duane represents is a thousand times worse than what an atheist represents. It is worse than advocating homosexuality. It leads people to hell! That my friend, angers me. I have not (attacked) Bro. Duane personally, but I will fight against the doctrine he represents with all my might.

"Bro. Duane came on this website tooting his horn that he was fully knowledgeable of Missionary Baptist teaching, but he has learned better, that he found out that M.B. doctrine if false, he is enlightened, he is more learned, we are all religious idiots but he has the truth. He has learned that salvation comes to babies by sprinkling water on their heads."

And you thought it was tough trying to get Presbyterians to believe that salvation comes to babies through Baptism...

If you ever meet me in person, ask me to do my impression of a French Existentialist seagull.

Annie Blog

We found out today that God has given us another olive plant for our table and another arrow for my quiver. We have been hoping for one for a while.

Every Lord's Day since we've been in Louisiana, we have either had someone over to the house for dinner after church, or we've gone to someone's house and spent the afternoon with them. I love it.

Usually, every other day of the week there is something going on that prevents us from getting together with folks for long periods of time. On the weeknights, when we have to put Bailey down to bed at 7:00, she doesn't have a lot of time to play with any kids that the other family might have. But Sunday afternoons are great. She can take a little nap after church, get up and run wild all afternoon.

I think this is a good habit we've gotten into.

Chris' post about hamburgers reminded me about a local favorite that I enjoyed in Corinth, Mississippi.

They are called Slugburgers. A Slugburger is made of portions of cereal, flour and lard, mixed with a small percentage of ground beef, which is then deep fried. There are persistant rumors about embalming fluid being one of the ingredients, but I don't know how or why that got started.

I ate two of them almost every day for lunch. Man were they good... in a sick sort of way. If you have ever craved White Castle burgers you know exactly what I'm talking about. They are so popular in Northeast Mississippi that there is even an annual Slugburger festival.

When I was a kid, it always aggravated me the way The Flintstones would end with Fred outside banging on the door, crying "Wilma", after the cat had locked the door on him. I wondered why he couldn't just go through the window like the cat did, and I wondered if he had to stay outside until the next episode.

Infralapsarian or Supralapsarian?

I don't know which position I hold. I haven't ever been able to get a clear picture of what either side is trying to say, and moreover why they are trying to say it. I don't understand the implications or results of either view. I've had Calvinist Baptists and a few TR's tell me exactly why I need to adopt this position or the other, and why the gospel is at stake... but I've never been able to see the import of the whole thing. It has always seemed to me that the arguments concern things that we can't know and aren't told.

Then I come across this line from Schilder:

"I am not a supralapsarian, but neither am I infralapsarian, because I believe with Bavinck that the dilemna as such is not allowed in our speaking about God."

I like Schilder. He makes things simple.

Can anyone tell me why I should adopt either view?

I know it isn't nice to make fun of people who have obviously sustained serious head injuries, so I won't comment, I'll just copy and paste so more good stuff from the Baptist discussion group I'm in.

Mind you, I have only said that I'm a Presbyterian, and have said nothing about baptism or election. The following comments are based wholly on assumptions and presuppositions.

One says, "Bro. Duane, you wouldn't know the difference between truth and rank heresy if they both hit you between the eyes. You are about as blind to Bible truth as anyone I have ever met. I'll tell you what. Let's discuss from the Bible the scripturalness of sprinkling water on babies and calling it baptism. We'll just leave out all the "theological resources" you complained that Baptists don't have and use only the Bible. No other authors, no historians, no nothing, but the Bible and the Bible only. Let's see if you can justify from nothing but the Bible the practice of sprinkling water on infants and calling it baptism.

"When we finish with that, let's discuss the question of only certain people being elected to go to heaven. We can then take up with the thought about what happens to the infants that are sprinkled by the Auburn Avenue Presbyterian Church that where not in the elect group. Reckon they will go to hell? Guess they'll have to if they weren't elect right?"

If only he knew how many Presbyterians would be in league with him in his attack of AAPC!

I used to be a pastor in a Baptist denomination... the American Baptist Association. I left about five years ago when I was starting to turn into a Presbyterian.

A few days ago I found an online discussion forum composed of pastors in the ABA. I signed up and logged on just to see what the hot topics were. For two days I've been slammed with attacks on me and why I left the ABA.

One says "You left the Landmark Baptists to join a church that teaches that only the chosen elect will be saved, that a person repents and believes because he is saved and not in order to be saved, and a religion that sprinkles babies and calls it baptism, and a religion that can't decide whether babies can take communion. Bro. Duane, many of the doctrines of the Presbyterian Church of which you are a member are clearly of the devil and come straight from hell."

Another says "Being a Calvinite you are, in fact, an agent of the Devil. You preach another gospel, another Jesus, and are animated by another spirit. Well did Paul speak of you when he said, "For such are false apostles, deceitful workers, transforming themselves into the apostles of Christ. And no marvel; for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light. Therefore it is no great thing if his ministers be transformed as the ministers of righteousness; whose end shall be according to their works."

I'm keeping stuff like that in a file titled "Why We Aren't Baptists". I'm going to show it to my children and my children's children.

If you are interested in following the discussion, or even jumping in, go to http://www.topica.com/lists/ABAmailinglist/read?. You'll need to hit "previous messages" a couple of times to get to the beginning of my posting.

Of course, some of you "Calvinites" need to be aware that you are going to be considered agents of the Devil.

Do you remember the Coke vending machines that would serve you a paper cup of Coke with ice?

I'm sure that they were a maintenance nightmare, and a pretty silly idea to begin with, but I wonder why something like that just sort of fades out without anyone saying much about it. Probably none of us will ever say to our kids, "I remember when you could put money in a machine and a cup would drop down and get filled with Coke." It's just one of those irrelevant pieces of nostalgia.

I wonder what sort of little things came and went before I was born that I'll never know about because older people simply think those things are just answers to arcane trivia questions.

Just added Kyriosity and Wayne Whitmer to my list of blogs.

I want to make sure that I link to everyone who links to me... if I have missed you, please let me know.

Every night before we go to bed, Sarah and I have been listening to lectures from R.J. Rushdoony's "American History to 1865" series.

If you too are looking for something to listen to before you go to bed every night, I highly recommend this series. Rushdoony is very articulate and does a good job of covering the major issues and forces relevant to the formation of this nation.

It is almost as romantic as listening to Barry White before you go to bed.

And by the way, Kevin Harvick, who replaced the late Dale Earnhardt, won his first race of the year. Woo hoo.

I still don't know what I'm going to preach when I go up to my friend's Baptist church on the 28th. I'm torn between doing something about an incarnational gospel (as opposed to a gnostic gospel), or exploring the differences between antinomianism and legalism. Any other ideas? No, I can't preach on baptism.

When I preach at the Southern Baptist church on the 28th, I will have preached in SBC, ABA, BMA, CRE and PCA churches as well as a handful of independents. I wonder if there is a Guinness record for something like that.

I can't believe the pace at which my little girl is developing and growing. I believe that she is learning about a word a day... and those words she uses on a regular basis have gathered a soft Southern twang.

One of our most repeated commands to her is "Sit still!". She repeats this back to us as "See-at stee-all!"

She is such a beautiful gift from God... but of course I'm supposed to say that.

I know I'm probably the last one to comment on this thing, but I read that there is going to be an HIV-Positive Muppet on the South African version of Sesame Street.

I want to know how this muppet contracted AIDS, and what is the South African government going to do to keep AIDS from spreading to the rest of the muppet community?

Some more of the interesting sea life they've been finding in Maryland.

I've been here long enough now to write about...


Things I love about life in Monroe Louisiana:

*Auburn Avenue Presbyterian Church
*The library system
*The general air of hospitality and friendliness
*Watermelons
*Okra
*Sweet Tea

Things I miss about St. Louis:

*The Anglo-Genevan Psalter
*Turning lanes
*Drivers who use the gas pedal when the light turns green
*Sub-90 degree temperatures
*Major League Baseball

Somehow my page template became corrupted and therefore could not be updated and published. I barely know how to post to this thing. I really don't know what I'm doing... so I had to completely wipe out the old page. I've spent the last hour building a new, identical page, copying the code line by line from an older template I had saved. Looks almost like the original, don't it?

A couple of weeks ago I decided to look up one of my old Baptist seminary buddies. We lost touch about 6 years ago. The last I had heard, he was pastoring in the Baptist Missionary Association, but I couldn't find anyone in the BMA who knew where he was. I finally just typed his name into "Google" and it came up with his email address. Isn't the internet cool?

I wrote him, and it turns out he lives about an hour north of here in Dermott, Arkansas. He is pastoring a Southern Baptist Convention church now. The cool part is that he has been studying liturgy and has been implementing various liturgical forms and elements in his worship service. He can only make tiny adjustments here and there, but he is moving in the right direction.

We've gotten together a couple of times, and I have given him a copy of the Jeff Meyers book on worship. He is eating it up! He invited me to preach at his church on the 28th of July.

At the same time I have another buddy from the Baptist seminary with whom I am carrying on an email discussion concerning the proper recipiets of baptism. He believes that Reformed folk let their theology get in the way of the plain teachings of the Bible, and muddy the waters with complicated fabricated ideas. He emailed me a link to a John Piper paper on Baptism, and I am going to have to get to work on a response to Piper's points. If anyone sees any glaring inconsistencies in Piper's position that I might have missed, or perhaps you know a good response to any of his points, please let me know. I have been putting it off, but I need to sit down and write it this weekend.

So that's what I'm up to at the moment.

On the CNN website today I read this teaser for "Larry King Live"...

You may know him as Bo Duke of "The Dukes of Hazzard" or as a top Christian music singer, but John Schneider has a secret he's never revealed -- until now. Tune in for this Larry King Live exclusive.

Uh-oh

I don't have cable, so if anyone finds out what that secret is, please let me know.

I resolve to get back in the habit of blogging.

Okay.. here's mine.

Birthplace: Chicago

Age: 27

Birthday: September 7

Hair Color: Blond - beginning to turn white in spots

How long/thick is your hair: Thick and very short.

Eye Color: Blue

Height: 6' 7"

Personality: In a word? Misanthropic... but I'm working on it.

Do you drink? Of course.

Have you had your appendix or tonsils out? Nope

Have you ever gone skinny dipping? He he.

Have you ever been convicted of a crime? No, never convicted.

'Dream' dream car: One that is paid for.

Favorite place to visit: Busch Stadium

Favorite soft drink: Coke

Adidas, Nike, or Reebok: I haven't had a pair of athletic shoes in about 8 years. Same thing with jeans. I don't own a single pair of jeans... and I never wear t-shirts in public. I wear a suit to work and then its Dockers and button down-shirts or golf shirts the rest of the time.

Favorite Blog (other than your spouse's): The Mack Daddy of all bloggers - Jon Barlow's Barlowfarms

Favorite subject in school: Literature

Least favorite subject in school: Anything that even remotely dealt with numbers

Favorite movie: SlingBlade - I'll explain why someday.

Favorite book: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Favorite alcohol: port

Favorite sport to watch: NASCAR

Favorite sport to play: Golf

Anything different about you: I'm mostly ambivalent.

Tattoos/Piercings: Never

Quotes: It is easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.

Favorite ice cream: Straight chocolate

Favorite color: I really don't care about that sort of thing.

What's your bedtime: 10:30ish

Favorite TV Show: The Simpsons

Words or phrases that you overuse: I can't respond to that. This is a family blog.

Something that can be improved upon: Words and phrases that I overuse.

What you want to be: A king

The one place you would like to see: Geneva

Famous person you have met: Catherine Bach. You know, Daisy Duke. I talked to her when I was 8.

Favorite animal: Usually the one that is on my plate

Do you attend church: Yes

Single or attached: Attached.

What are the first things that you do in the morning to start your day? I hit the snooze button a half a dozen times, rush through the shower and shave, get dressed and drive like crazy to get to work on time.

What are the last things that you do at night before going to bed? Set my alarm for five minutes earlier.

What's the one thing that makes you feel like something is missing if you don't do it some point within your day? Eat